It's 2:35 in the morning when I started writing this and I just finished manually encoding my older journal entries. I didn't expect it to be such a wakeup call. I haven't had coffee since the afternoon since I just had gotten my braces off after four years and after finding out that my teeth were conspicuously yellow without all that metal, I decided to lay off of it for a while. My emotions are running everywhere. I don't know anymore. I was reading one such journal entry and I was fascinated by the depth that 11-year-old me had acquired at that age. To be honest, I don't know where all that came from. She seemed a lot like a stranger to me now. And that was only 5 years ago. So much, SO MUCH has changed. And right now I'm kind of sad because all the 'things that turned out for the worse' are what I'm concentrating on at the moment. For one, I realised that I was so close to God. I talked to Him like He was even closer than anyone that I'd ever had for a parent or a friend. I'm even tearing up as I'm writing this. Again. DAMMIT. And the girl I was back then was so thankful, so full of hope because God was there for her, answering her every prayer and being just generally more carefree because she doesn't know what I know now. She hasn't experienced anything and would never have seen it coming that in five years, she'd be going to college at UPD miles away from her home. I actually thought that leaving for UPD to go to college away from home was the saddest of all my dilemmas right now, but I was wrong. I am more saddened by the fact that it seems like I have grown apart from God and as a result, I feel a lot more empty. EMPTY. I'm going to do something about this. These are bitter tears. Shame. Remorse. Pain - in my throat and in my chest. Probably in my soul too. The God-shaped vacuum that has been aching to be filled for such a long time simply cannot hold it together anymore. It has imploded and overflowed as hot tears stream down my face while I try to be as quiet as possible on the couch while my parents sleep. I was so dependent on God. I was so thankful for everything. I was a person of great faith for a mere child. What went wrong? I don't really know. But I just want to turn all those WASs into AMs. Permanently as possible. The thought of leaving home + The feeling that you're empty because you ran away from God and just starting to realise that you have to go back = UTTER PAIN AND POSSIBLE EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN x drowning in a puddle of my miserable tears.