Just lost all my files from my USB. FUUUUUUUU. I should've just said I lost it because somebody borrowed it and then for some reason after returning it, all my files were GONE. Absolutely gone. I'm desperate for file recovery software right now that actually recovers. UGH. So much for a nice weekend. I didn't do anything productive at all. --- Wouldn't you believe it?! I got 143/160 which is about 94 percent and I'm so relieved. I thought it might have been lower but let's be honest, you kinda knew what you were doing because you studied the shit out of that textbook and God helped you remember. I really wish my chem and math result would be the same or even higher than expected because i'm going to find out tomorrow and the following day. PLEASEEEE </3 And, my resolve to become a doctor for real has now been strengthened. I don't know why, but money has always been my motivation. I am so sorry God. I don't know why I'm so selfish. It's just that I want a luxurious adult life to be the default and getting the opportunity to buy the top-tier things like underwear, food, clothes, cars, etc. without having to bat an eye about the price. I'm so sorry. I just really want to be successful in the world's eyes and I can't seem to let go of this desire. I know being rich isn't bad but if it's all I'm ever motivated about, then there's something probably wrong because I couldn't care less about patients getting well. It's all about the money for me, I think. And I can't seem to change. Have I always been this naturally selfish and asocial that I wouldn't care about other people's well-being at all? I guess the decision to not get married is just about right because any husband of mine would have hell for a life if they got stuck with me. I just want to be recognised and praised and envied. Classic symptoms of delusions that should not be there if I were a real Christian. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? And yet I'm here thinking and daydreaming about my chemistry professor asking me out. ugh. I don't know what's gotten in me. I really want to go abroad for my medicine proper and I don't want to remain in PGH because I've heard that it's hell. I think I would fit in more there because for one, the language. And I think my allegiance to American culture is more pronounced than what I could say for my own Filipino culture. I can't relate to people here. I know it'll take some blood and sweat and tears to get there because I'd have to be summa cum laude for that. That's freaking impossible judging by my performance for this first semester. Part of me wants to think that it's just the first semester and I've got 7 semesters left to improve but I should be doing stuff right now instead of procrastinating. Oh well.