It's November and I'm alone in my dorm room because my roommate went home. I also think that I'm being unproductive. I keep thinking about luxury today. I want to be able to experience first-class flight. Eat gourmet food. Go and get cosmetic procedures done. (Not the extreme kind.) Just have the good life. But I don't think they'll make me happy. For now, I'm stuck in this phase in my life where I have to sacrifice the thought of any kind of comfort and nice things that wouldn't be possible. Maybe suffering through years of school won't be so bad if I get a high-paying job after and have all the time in the world to do the things I want. But for now, it feels like I just want to get it over with. I've barely even started. Only three months in. Maybe I just miss feeling on top of everything. Like how I was recognised for being the best in everything in high school and the years before. And now, I'm barely surviving while other people are burying me with their greatness and beauty and smartness and social connections and everything else you're supposed to be doing in college that I'm not even interested in. I just want to go to America and study medicine already. I feel like I wouldn't want to continue medicine here in the Philippines. But we all know that's going to be a long shot. You'd have to be at the top of everyone else to be considered admission in international schools. Unless my family had money, there's no way that I'm going to be able to go to America without bankrupting everyone I'm related to. I just really want to know what I'm good at so I can start working on it. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life and what I want as a career so I'm not even motivated enough to start studying because I don't even know if I want to take up a pre-med. I don't even want to take up creative writing even though I want to write books. I don't know what to do with my life. If it were me, and if it were socially acceptable, I wouldn't go to college. I don't want to drag my ass to classrooms everyday and end up feeling shitty because Maybe I just miss feeling on top of everything. Like how I was recognised for being the best in everything in high school and the years before. And now, I'm barely surviving while other people are burying me with their greatness and beauty and smartness and social connections and everything else you're supposed to be doing in college that I'm not even interested in. I just want to go to America and study medicine already. I feel like I wouldn't want to continue medicine here in the Philippines. But we all know that's going to be a long shot. You'd have to be at the top of everyone else to be considered admission in international schools. Unless my family had money, there's no way that I'm going to be able to go to America without bankrupting everyone I'm related to. I just really want to know what I'm good at so I can start working on it. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life and what I want as a career so I'm not even motivated enough to start studying because I don't even know if I want to take up a pre-med. I don't even want to take up creative writing even though I want to write books. I don't know what to do with my life. If it were me, and if it were socially acceptable, I wouldn't go to college. I don't want to drag my ass to classrooms everyday and end up feeling shitty because everyone else knows their shit and I'm clueless and lost.